How To Please Chicks

How To Please Chicks:

So, here we are once again. Now that you know how pick up chicks, it’s time to move on to what to do with a chick once you have one in your possession. If you think it’s easy to please a chick, you are wrong my little friends. Chicks don’t like sex the way us guys do. For them it’s supposed to be a meaningful and emotionally satisfying experience. For us guys we just want to sink the sausage, and shoot spunk all over the place. So, all of this results in a very complicated situation. However, there is no need to fear the poon tang kids. I will help to guide you though all the ins and outs of the sexual drama as it unfolds.

I would like start off with talking about foreplay. Foreplay is that stuff before actual sex happens. Here are a few of my favorite techniques.

Ass grabbing, chicks love it when you sneak up behind them and grab their booty. Sometimes even a good hard smack on the ass will do the trick.
Talking dirty, chicks love it when a guy talks dirty to them. Here are a few of my favorite lines.
“Who’s your daddy”
“ I know you want the sausage baby”
“ I have a bone that needs to be buried”
“ You look like type of chick I would like to pork”
“ Baby, I just want nail you in the ass”
That is a just of few. There thousands of great lines you can use, or you can be creative and come up with your own stuff.
The third and most important type of foreplay is simply jumping on top of a chick and
start humping her.

Now that we are done with having foreplay and you have your chick naked and all primed up to go, the first thing you have to do is evaluate the situation by checking a chick’s vagina for dampness. If she is fairly moist then your job will be an easy one. However this is rarely the case, you will probably find that she is as dry as the Sahara Desert. Then, you have a long night ahead you. So lets assume you chick is bone dry. What you will need to do is focus on the three pleasure zones, which are:
Nipples
Clitoris
Butthole
There is no need to waste time caressing her back or nibbling on her ear. That will get you no where. What you need to do is start at the top and work your way down starting with her nipples. You can pinch them, stretch them, and chew on them. Chicks like all that stuff. Or you can use devices such as clothespins, nipple clamps, hot wax and ice cubes. You can even use a Dust Buster if you want.

Next is the mysterious clitoris. The first thing you have to do is find the damn thing. On some chicks it is easy find, and on others it can be very elusive. But either way the only way to find is to go down there look. Once you have located your chick’s clitoris you can perform oral sex on her if she is a nice clean girl. But odds are your chick is the neighborhood skank, then I would avoid giving oral sex because the only thing you are going to get a taste of is the last ten guys she was with. Let me tell you kids, that is BAD!!! So what do you do? You bust out your high powered, mega-orgasmic gas powered vibrator. Just fire that bad boy up and pretend that you are drilling for oil down there. If you are lucky enough to have a nice clean chick, then do a little muff diving.

Last but not least is the almighty anus. All you have to do is spit on you finger and slam in there. It is as easy as that.

Now onto the actual act of porking. There are many positions that you can use. There is the old fashion missionary position, it’s not the best but it can be effective. Then there is having the chick on top and let her ride the sausage. This can be fun and it is less work for the dude. There is doggy style so you can spank her and pork her at the same time, while shouting, “Who’s your daddy”. This one is my personal favorite. Then there is spooning, yes kids, that is correct, spooning is an actual documented position. It’s similar to doggy style but you do it while lying on your side. This is not a good position if you are on a hard surface such as your driveway. Those are some of the basic porking positions. There are many more but I can’t talk about them all here and now.

After your chick is satisfied and you are drained of all your spunk, it’s always nice afterwards to kick back and enjoy a Camel cigarette, some cold pizza. After all you are a man now.

Lyrics to Teach the World to Sing

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company.

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
"Ah, peace throughout the land."

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

Movie Review of Knight's Tale 'This is some funny shit'

A Knight’s Tale

STARRING Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Paul Bettany, Laura Fraser, Rufus Sewell
DIRECTOR Brian Helgeland
PRODUCER Tim Van Rellim, Todd Black, Brian Helgeland


This is one instance where I definitely have to say screw the critics, A knight’s tale is a great movie. I have to say the big reason this movie is getting bashed by the critics is because of its uniqueness, they just can’t handle it. It’s a mix of generation X satire, classic adventure, and Mel Brooks comedy, also a little touch of that stuff that they make chick movies out of.

The movie is about a handsome peasant dude “Orlek Van Licktinstien”, much like myself, who poses as a knight to win jousting competitions. His squires are Wat, a crazy guy who is funny as hell, and Roland who just sort of hangs out and the poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who is a medieval version of Michael Buffer. They travel from town to town and country to country winning jousting competitions. Orlek/William falls in love with this babe, however this other knight who is a real dick head also digs her. That is all I am going to tell you about the plot of this movie you will have to go and see it for your self. Don’t be a stooge and spend the 7 bucks to see it and prove the ass wipe critics wrong.

The reason I think this movie is so good is because a lot of us poor schmucks will identify with it. Some things have not changed since medieval times. Such as the poor man is held down by the man, chicks are still hot, and it is still a fun to eat food, drink ale, and Dance with babes, and fight over them too.

Thanks for reading Gary C.

Winds of Ecstasy

I feel our souls blowing in the solar winds of time
passing the moon on our left.
the stars sing, comets soar.
mercury, mars then Venus.
I think the aliens have seen us
There is nothing beneath us
Groovy heavens above
silence is love
our bodies shiver in ecstasy
the blades of grass in the field sway ever so gracefully
the sea stands still

Welcome Home

I walk out side during a thunder storm
I feel the freezing rain burn my flesh
The thunder and lightning crash
hitting me in the face
evaporating me like a waisted comet in space
the rain washes my shattered remains into the filthy gutter
Then down the sewer along with oil,tar,and grease
The echo's of the storm above whisper
the grunts in the sewer moan
Welcome home
Welcome home
Welcome home

The Dead Guy

The Dead Guy

Once upon a land mine
A life was left behind
By a man so brave
Who has no name upon his grave
Another lost among the dead
In a burst of flames off came his head
When I was on the tainted soil
I could feel his pain and turmoil
Now he lies beneath the grass
Forgiving his enemy’s of the past

The Sky

clouds drifting in moon light
faces dissolving into space
the crickets are singing
songs of joy and hate
cosmic rays from space
being absorbed by the human race
causing the leaves to shiver and quake
energies from an unseen place
feel it softly caressing the skin
Soothing over worked bones
soothing desperate souls
giving the breath of life
to the dead
sanity to the insane
hate to the forgiving
negative and positive ways
love, love, and love
hate, hate, and hate
feel it!
feel it!
do you fucking feel it?
do you?
do you?
do you want to explode?
into a pandemonium of sex and violence?
then fly into the silence of the great cosmic divide
float gently and free like an angel to the sun
open your eyes to cry tears of happiness
spread open your wings so you can feel your heart fill with love and joy
it flows threw you like the blood in your veins.
taking away all of your pain.
somewhere there is a mother with a soft glow around her face
tucks her child in a soft warm bed
and says
I love you and
goodnight
he rolls over to go to sleep
looking out the window
at stars and the moon shining on a warm summer night
with wonder
with wonder