Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How To Please Chicks

How To Please Chicks:

So, here we are once again. Now that you know how pick up chicks, it’s time to move on to what to do with a chick once you have one in your possession. If you think it’s easy to please a chick, you are wrong my little friends. Chicks don’t like sex the way us guys do. For them it’s supposed to be a meaningful and emotionally satisfying experience. For us guys we just want to sink the sausage, and shoot spunk all over the place. So, all of this results in a very complicated situation. However, there is no need to fear the poon tang kids. I will help to guide you though all the ins and outs of the sexual drama as it unfolds.

I would like start off with talking about foreplay. Foreplay is that stuff before actual sex happens. Here are a few of my favorite techniques.

Ass grabbing, chicks love it when you sneak up behind them and grab their booty. Sometimes even a good hard smack on the ass will do the trick.
Talking dirty, chicks love it when a guy talks dirty to them. Here are a few of my favorite lines.
“Who’s your daddy”
“ I know you want the sausage baby”
“ I have a bone that needs to be buried”
“ You look like type of chick I would like to pork”
“ Baby, I just want nail you in the ass”
That is a just of few. There thousands of great lines you can use, or you can be creative and come up with your own stuff.
The third and most important type of foreplay is simply jumping on top of a chick and
start humping her.

Now that we are done with having foreplay and you have your chick naked and all primed up to go, the first thing you have to do is evaluate the situation by checking a chick’s vagina for dampness. If she is fairly moist then your job will be an easy one. However this is rarely the case, you will probably find that she is as dry as the Sahara Desert. Then, you have a long night ahead you. So lets assume you chick is bone dry. What you will need to do is focus on the three pleasure zones, which are:
Nipples
Clitoris
Butthole
There is no need to waste time caressing her back or nibbling on her ear. That will get you no where. What you need to do is start at the top and work your way down starting with her nipples. You can pinch them, stretch them, and chew on them. Chicks like all that stuff. Or you can use devices such as clothespins, nipple clamps, hot wax and ice cubes. You can even use a Dust Buster if you want.

Next is the mysterious clitoris. The first thing you have to do is find the damn thing. On some chicks it is easy find, and on others it can be very elusive. But either way the only way to find is to go down there look. Once you have located your chick’s clitoris you can perform oral sex on her if she is a nice clean girl. But odds are your chick is the neighborhood skank, then I would avoid giving oral sex because the only thing you are going to get a taste of is the last ten guys she was with. Let me tell you kids, that is BAD!!! So what do you do? You bust out your high powered, mega-orgasmic gas powered vibrator. Just fire that bad boy up and pretend that you are drilling for oil down there. If you are lucky enough to have a nice clean chick, then do a little muff diving.

Last but not least is the almighty anus. All you have to do is spit on you finger and slam in there. It is as easy as that.

Now onto the actual act of porking. There are many positions that you can use. There is the old fashion missionary position, it’s not the best but it can be effective. Then there is having the chick on top and let her ride the sausage. This can be fun and it is less work for the dude. There is doggy style so you can spank her and pork her at the same time, while shouting, “Who’s your daddy”. This one is my personal favorite. Then there is spooning, yes kids, that is correct, spooning is an actual documented position. It’s similar to doggy style but you do it while lying on your side. This is not a good position if you are on a hard surface such as your driveway. Those are some of the basic porking positions. There are many more but I can’t talk about them all here and now.

After your chick is satisfied and you are drained of all your spunk, it’s always nice afterwards to kick back and enjoy a Camel cigarette, some cold pizza. After all you are a man now.





Lyrics to Teach the World to Sing

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company.

I'd like to see the world for once
All standing hand in hand
And hear them echo through the hills
"Ah, peace throughout the land."

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony.

(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)
(That's the song I hear)
(That the world sings today)

I'd like to build the world a home
And furnish it with love
Grow apple trees and honey bees
And snow-white turtle doves.

I'd like to teach the world to sing
In perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms
And keep it company

Movie Review of Knight's Tale 'This is some funny shit'

A Knight’s Tale

STARRING Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Paul Bettany, Laura Fraser, Rufus Sewell
DIRECTOR Brian Helgeland
PRODUCER Tim Van Rellim, Todd Black, Brian Helgeland


This is one instance where I definitely have to say screw the critics, A knight’s tale is a great movie. I have to say the big reason this movie is getting bashed by the critics is because of its uniqueness, they just can’t handle it. It’s a mix of generation X satire, classic adventure, and Mel Brooks comedy, also a little touch of that stuff that they make chick movies out of.

The movie is about a handsome peasant dude “Orlek Van Licktinstien”, much like myself, who poses as a knight to win jousting competitions. His squires are Wat, a crazy guy who is funny as hell, and Roland who just sort of hangs out and the poet Geoffrey Chaucer, who is a medieval version of Michael Buffer. They travel from town to town and country to country winning jousting competitions. Orlek/William falls in love with this babe, however this other knight who is a real dick head also digs her. That is all I am going to tell you about the plot of this movie you will have to go and see it for your self. Don’t be a stooge and spend the 7 bucks to see it and prove the ass wipe critics wrong.

The reason I think this movie is so good is because a lot of us poor schmucks will identify with it. Some things have not changed since medieval times. Such as the poor man is held down by the man, chicks are still hot, and it is still a fun to eat food, drink ale, and Dance with babes, and fight over them too.

Thanks for reading Gary C.

Winds of Ecstasy

I feel our souls blowing in the solar winds of time
passing the moon on our left.
the stars sing, comets soar.
mercury, mars then Venus.
I think the aliens have seen us
There is nothing beneath us
Groovy heavens above
silence is love
our bodies shiver in ecstasy
the blades of grass in the field sway ever so gracefully
the sea stands still

Welcome Home

I walk out side during a thunder storm
I feel the freezing rain burn my flesh
The thunder and lightning crash
hitting me in the face
evaporating me like a waisted comet in space
the rain washes my shattered remains into the filthy gutter
Then down the sewer along with oil,tar,and grease
The echo's of the storm above whisper
the grunts in the sewer moan
Welcome home
Welcome home
Welcome home

The Dead Guy

The Dead Guy

Once upon a land mine
A life was left behind
By a man so brave
Who has no name upon his grave
Another lost among the dead
In a burst of flames off came his head
When I was on the tainted soil
I could feel his pain and turmoil
Now he lies beneath the grass
Forgiving his enemy’s of the past

The Sky

clouds drifting in moon light
faces dissolving into space
the crickets are singing
songs of joy and hate
cosmic rays from space
being absorbed by the human race
causing the leaves to shiver and quake
energies from an unseen place
feel it softly caressing the skin
Soothing over worked bones
soothing desperate souls
giving the breath of life
to the dead
sanity to the insane
hate to the forgiving
negative and positive ways
love, love, and love
hate, hate, and hate
feel it!
feel it!
do you fucking feel it?
do you?
do you?
do you want to explode?
into a pandemonium of sex and violence?
then fly into the silence of the great cosmic divide
float gently and free like an angel to the sun
open your eyes to cry tears of happiness
spread open your wings so you can feel your heart fill with love and joy
it flows threw you like the blood in your veins.
taking away all of your pain.
somewhere there is a mother with a soft glow around her face
tucks her child in a soft warm bed
and says
I love you and
goodnight
he rolls over to go to sleep
looking out the window
at stars and the moon shining on a warm summer night
with wonder
with wonder

My Soul

My soul is dripping, melting into the sea
I feel myself falling
Religion isn't free
Lying beneath the radiant sun
watching the shooting stars flying
From the barrel of my gun
I crossed the ocean like Magellan
for a love that is sweet as watermelon
My mind is baking, on an oven rack
My heart is broken, so is my back
Climbing up a tree like an iguana
I like doing tai chi with your mama
In the summer sleeping in a field
you bow before the king
the jester has to kneel
on the ceiling I have a leaking pipe
Need some silver solder to seal it tight
I put a tape in my VCR
Then I go cruising around in my car
Searching the night looking for some love
Stop at the drug store to buy a rubber glove

when your feeling down
try standing on your head
It won't make you feel better,
but your face will turn beat red

F.T.W.

Fuck the world
Fuck it all to hell
Hit it with a hammer
Ring it like a bell

Fuck the human race
For it is nothing but hate
Destroying everything
That gets in its way

Fueling the fires
Of the killing machine
Fueling the fires
Of loves broken dreams
Fueling the fires
Tearing at the seems

Wearing death on my sleeve
I was once good
Now I have the world’s disease

Punish me now
Punish me forever
Punishing myself
Is my favorite endeavor

Hunger

Hey baby I am feeling kinda hungry
my stomach is starting to growl
I need some food before I starve
to death,
If I had a dollar in my pocket
I would head down to Burger King
So come on Baby put some food on my plate
Feed me before its to late.
My mouth is starting to water
and my head is getting light
So come on baby feed me tonight.
Hey baby this is no joke.
I need some food before I croke.
Hey baby I don't mean to be rude.
Just toss me some food.

Shut off the lights

Electric light hurts my eyes.
Electric light burns my mind.
Just keep me in the dark
Where I can't see, oh yea
I don't want know about
the things that you do.
Just leave me in the dark.
before the truth tares me apart.
When the lights are on I can see
I just don't want to believe.
shut off the god damn lights.
My eyes start to tear
when I see the sun.
I hope night falls real soon
before I come undone.

Electric light hurts my eyes
The sun makes me cry
Electric light burns my mind

Just keep me in the shadow
of your wicked lies.
all the lights are off,
and I am all alone.
When you walk threw that door
and flick on that switch.
Babe, its a real bitch.
Shut off the god damn lights,
and leave me in the dark.

I stomped on a butterfly

I stomped on a butterfly
And spit in the wind
Hail and lightning I like to sin
Saints are fools with there kindness
And giving.
I am a dark angel from hell and
Unforgiving.
If you are looking for love?
Don’t look to me.
All I have to offer is pain and misery
You should be afraid of me little girl
I will beat you up and rip out your blond little curls.

Medieval Day Dream

I was walking threw the forest, when I met a girl named Delores
I threw her down on the grassy knoll, Slipped her my sausage and she took my soul
I searched from town to town too try to get it back
I walked the earth for a thousand years, and asked every quack
Now its 1996 and was headed down rt 206,
When I got picked up by a foxy chic.
In her volvo down the highway we rolled,
She handed me a brown paper bag, in it was my soul
I slammed her head into the steering wheel, as her tires squealed
Her volvo hit a tree with a crash,
The car exploded with a fiery blast

Debre

A broken heart, empty soul.
My shattered mind in this blackest hole.
I live in my underground cell.
I paid in full, for this hell.
I rise at night, sleep all day.
It was a woman who made me this way.
My body does a train wreck twist, for the girl who I miss.
All my love has been drained.
Debre is all that remains.
I would like to say never again.
But pain is my only friend.
I know that I will go back for more.
What else is love for?

Diet

I was driving around the scenic parts of Trenton one day, behind a bus.
On the back of the bus was a picture of a sexy girl wearing bikini.
The add read "lose weight fast 30 pounds in 30 days" I began to imagine what
if somebody stayed on this diet for to long? losing a pound a day?
Till they were malnourished, dehydrated, withering away into nothingness.
Dry flaking skin, Bones deteriorating to dust.
sunk in face, eyes shriveled like prunes.
Osteoporosis in the extreme.
Reaching into the night, her bones break like thin pieces of ice.
breathing her last breath of life.
Rays of sunlight shine in her second story window
Warming the her lifeless shell that lies on the bed.
So dry that even the maggots refuse to devour her remains.
like finger nails scratching a chalk board.
Rigor mortis continues.
Nothing is left but a million atoms that were once her
Blowing in the cosmic winds of Greed, Hatred, and pride.
Until one of her atoms are captured by a geeky looking guy
They are placed in a metal orb surrounded buy explosives to cause
Implosion.
Nuclear explosion
Mass confusion
The end of the world
The final solution................
So What of this diet?
Would you try it?
Will you buy it?
Break it up into syllables DIE IT!!!!

Crush

You can hang me out to dry.
Leave me in the cold to die.
Baby I don’t mind
Feeling wanted and deprived
It’s getting me so high.

Pound on me,
Wake my soul.
Pain it sucks
Hit by a truck
I love it
So damn much

At the Nexus

At the nexus of agony, is joy
In the nexus of joy, is agony
So cold that it burns the flesh
All that is living rots away
All that is born comes from waste
In the eye of a hurricane is the most peaceful place

The maiden speaks of love
The profit speaks of fate
The King of war.
All is wild, passion galore

Broken down on the edge
Below lye the bodies of the dead
Watch their souls rise above

On the sun stands the god of love
On the moon stands the hag of hate

Saturn restricts
Jupiter expands
Mars is fire
Mercury Desire

Lucifer is the merchant
Jesus is the buyer

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Poetry for the sun unfinished

No Other Way

Rotting tree stump
Rotting for a 100 years
still there still rotting
with pride
cut down trying
Frantic cities
civilians dancing with perl
grinding to an end
always trying
ashes smoldering
cinder burnt to nothing
sparks are fleeting
seeking out
burning and trying
a wounded soldier
clings to life
crawling in dirt
better above it
than beneath it
no other way
but this


Omelet

Fragile egg failing from a moist palm
heading towards the earth
at a great speed
cant be caught
fate is hopeless
shell will shatter
yoke will be ejected
there are 11 others
waiting to be fried

Oozing Gore

oozing gore
pulled by gravity
into the crevices
the earths size holds it close
wont let it go
keeps it from floating away
oozing gore
gross and nasty
mother earth
cradles it like a baby.


Magnets

Why would anyone want something gross and nasty?
Why would anyone never want to be caught?
Why fuel the fire?
Magnets pull pieces together, and glue hold for awhile.

Long distance relationships

The distance between the earth and moon is far.
The distance from the front door to the car is far.
The distance from a nervous hand to a phone is far.
The distance between love and rejection is near.
The short journey is worth the fear.

Long distance runner meets the sun

run you scared little fuck
run to the end of the fucking world
jump off the the edge and drift into space
drifting without control pulled by this and that
until you are pulled into the orbit of a glorious sun
to be held in its warm life sustaining orbit forever
there was nothing to be scared of to begin with.
You scared little fuck!

Locked in orbit, yet drifting still

Lost with no way home
no home to find your way back too
mind wondering always unfocused
moving from one thing to the next
never on one thought to long
cant find the anchor that was thrown away long ago.
Endless movement never ceasing
ballet of angels and demons
colliding silently and gently

Eyes unhinged

Shifting from left to right
up and down and all around
a gaze that never locks onto another
staring all over never at another s
don't look into anybodies eyes
don't look into there mind
don't look
don't see
stay blind
deny beauty

Wonderment

curious wonders pass by
never hold them for to long
slight urge to follow them
curious to see what they maybe
if I follow them they may follow me.
Wonderment is it worth the risk?